The Name Game

What’s in a name? I was blessed with a name that has been mispronounced most of my life. My name is Kirsten. Most people tend to assume the correct way to say it is the Norwegian pronunciation which involves a different sound than that which my parents intended. My mother always said they chose the Danish pronunciation because of my great grandparents. I’m not certain I know what that difference is. A few years back, I came up with my own clever hint on the pronunciation. I tell people, “it’s like a curse.”  Everyone gets a good laugh out of it, and the person usually pronounces my name correctly from that point on.

But my clever little hint really means so much more. I have often felt like somewhat of a curse. Defined as something intended to inflict harm, I think that’s the lens I viewed the world through for a long time. Not only did I have a name that often caused people to stumble, it wasn’t what I figured my first mom would have named me. I was fighting a battle within myself.  I was in such a state of confusion and dysregulation that I couldn’t settle. Until mid-life, I wandered around as a hollow shell who navigated her surroundings like a hyper-attuned prevention specialist. On the surface I seemed to have it all together, but the high-functioning dance I displayed hid more challenges than most people knew. If I stayed busy enough and involved enough and committed enough to everything else, I didn’t have time to listen to the wounded voices in my head. Eventually those voices could no longer be silenced. And although it has not been an altogether positive experience, I will admit that life on this side of the fog is so much better. It is so much clearer. I know there is no final destination in my healing journey. Some days I am caught off guard by emotions that surface unexpectedly. Especially when I feel like I’ve made so much progress. The truth of the matter is feeling the feelings is really a good thing. I don’t have to hide them anymore. The lows can go lower, but the highs often go so much higher, too. Life can and should be joyful. Or at least authentic in experience.